Losing twins :: a letter to the babies we never met

As someone who has only contributed to this blogging world a handful of times in her life, it seems strange to share my most personal story in such an impersonal space. For the past 5 months, it has been heavy on my heart to share our story in hopes that it can help bring peace to someone’s life. When I found out about our precious twins, I asked my Dad “How do I even begin to process this? How do I move on and learn from this?”. I was completely desperate for words of hope from anyone who had experienced something similar to me; in a sense, for a guide on “how to survive a miscarriage”.  Well, those don’t exist, but I remembered seeing blog posts about miscarriages that I had never read. But that week, feeling physical and emotional pain in every inch of my body, I needed those words. I needed to feel some camaraderie in that horrible experience. I found comfort in words that were written years and months and weeks before, sometimes by people I did not even know.  I saw a hopeful glimpse that my life would go on after this experience, however long it took me to get there.

I started writing a post in April detailing our experience, in hopes of making sense of everything and compiling the lessons I was learning into one place. It is now September, baby month, and I am still learning, still hoping, and some days, still grieving.  I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but who does, really? I realized that dwelling on the pain and explaining that week will not make me hopeful, or anyone for that matter. So instead, a mother's letter to the babies she never met. I only share this with the hope that it can comfort those who have experienced this heartache, and those that will—even just for the sheer fact of: hey, you are not alone.

Dear Babies,

Today is a special day.  Today is a sad day too. It should be your birthday today! We should be holding you in our arms, kissing your cheeks, welcoming you to the world. There were two of you, so really, you probably would have come earlier than today. But September 27 will always be a special, sad day for your dad and me. We think of you every single day, but we will especially think of you on this day.

My precious babies, you have changed my life. You changed our lives in January when we found out about you, you changed our lives in March when we found out there were TWO of you, and you changed our lives a few weeks later when we lost you. I’ve only seen you twice, your tiny heads and arms and legs. But it was love at first sight. I love you so much. You were only inside of me for a few months, but I felt you so strongly. I miss you and the signs of you in my body. I would give anything to see you and hold you. But I know that someday, I will.

You have changed me in so many ways. 

You made me a mother. That's what I have always wanted to be. I like to think we already have a family of four; two of us are just waiting for us in heaven. I don’t have you to show for it, but you are making me improve, love, and learn everyday. You make me want to be better and live better so that I can be worthy of being your mother.

You made me a mourner. When we lost you, we were so devastated and confused. We had told our families and a handful of friends that you would be joining our family, and although I was embarrassed to tell them about losing you, I was so grateful that they knew. They mourned with me, cried with me, listened to me. They taught me how important it is to feel when other people feel. They were angels to me and answers to prayers. Your dad and my mom were there throughout the whole experience, holding my hand and making me strong. Our families mourned together, but comforted us and lifted us up. 

You made me an empathizer. Before I lost you, I didn’t know how painful miscarriages and infertility were. I think I am still just at the tip of the iceberg of understanding that, but so many people experience it or worse in their lives with incredible grace and hope. Our loss has made me feel other people’s pains in a way I could not comprehend before, and empathize. I have learned so much from people who still have faith, hope, and joy even amidst excruciating trials. They are my heroes.

You made me a believer. Losing you made me feel so empty and hopeless. But I never felt alone. Through the extreme pain and then the sadness, I always felt Christ’s arms around me. I believe in His atonement now, more than ever. Believing in His atonement is what has healed my heart and given me hope. Believing in a God that loves me, knows me, and knows you, is what has made me accept this trial and trust Him. Believing in God’s plan for us is what has given me hope that we still get to be your parents and will get to raise you as our kids.

You made me a seeker of truth. I had so many questions when we lost you, I could not understand losing something so good. I have felt joy as I have come closer to Christ and studied our purpose on this earth. I have felt joy as people have shared eternal truths with me that speak to my heart.  This is just the beginning of a journey of learning, and you started it.

But mostly, you made us parents. You made me a mother and your dad a father. That is something that we will treasure forever.  Let me tell you, you really lucked out in the dad department.

As much as I have learned and grown since losing you, I still wish we were meeting you both today. I ache for you. I think I always will.

As a child, I started signing off letters to my family with “I will never forget you”. Even though I never met you, held you, or saw you, I will never forget you. I love you both, to eternity and beyond.

Love,

 Your Mom

This summer Grandma Carol taught all of your cousins about our family tree. She told them about you and how you are waiting for us in heaven. Your little lives will be in our hearts forever. We all can’t wait to meet you.

I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you. John 14:18

or read it here: Grateful in Any Circumstance- Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.

Good things to come- Jeffrey R. Holland

Rob Gardner's Lamb of God detailing the last days of the Savior's life through words and music.

Learn more about the sacred work here 

None Were With Him-- Jeffrey R. Holland

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6