As someone who has only contributed
to this blogging world a handful of times in her life, it seems strange to
share my most personal story in such an impersonal space. For the past 5 months, it has been heavy on my heart to share our story in hopes that it can help bring peace to someone’s life. When I found out about our precious twins, I
asked my Dad “How do I even begin to process this? How do I move on and learn
from this?”. I was completely desperate for words of hope from anyone who had
experienced something similar to me; in a sense, for a guide on “how to survive
a miscarriage”. Well, those don’t exist,
but I remembered seeing blog posts about miscarriages that I had never read. But
that week, feeling physical and emotional pain in every inch of my body, I
needed those words. I needed to feel some camaraderie in that horrible
experience. I found comfort in words that were written years and months and
weeks before, sometimes by people I did not even know. I saw a hopeful glimpse that my life would go on after this experience,
however long it took me to get there.
I started writing a post in April
detailing our experience, in hopes of making sense of everything and compiling
the lessons I was learning into one place. It is now September, baby month, and
I am still learning, still hoping, and some days, still grieving. I wish I could say I have it all figured out,
but who does, really? I realized that dwelling on the pain and explaining that week will not make me hopeful, or anyone for that matter. So instead, a mother's letter to the babies she never met. I only share this with the hope that it can comfort those who have experienced this heartache,
and those that will—even just for the sheer fact of: hey, you are not alone.
Dear Babies,
Today is a special day.
Today is a sad day too. It should be your birthday today! We should be
holding you in our arms, kissing your cheeks, welcoming you to the world. There were two
of you, so really, you probably would have come earlier than today. But
September 27 will always be a special, sad day for your dad and me. We think of
you every single day, but we will especially think of you on this day.
My precious babies, you have changed my life. You changed
our lives in January when we found out about you, you changed our lives in
March when we found out there were TWO of you, and you changed our lives a few
weeks later when we lost you. I’ve only seen you twice, your tiny heads and
arms and legs. But it was love at first sight. I love you so much. You were
only inside of me for a few months, but I felt you so strongly. I miss you and
the signs of you in my body. I would give anything to see you and hold you. But
I know that someday, I will.
You have changed me in so many ways.
You made me a mother. That's what I have always wanted to be. I like to think we already have a
family of four; two of us are just waiting for us in heaven. I don’t have you
to show for it, but you are making me improve, love, and learn everyday. You
make me want to be better and live better so that I can be worthy of being your
mother.
You made me a mourner. When we lost you, we were so
devastated and confused. We had told our families and a handful of friends that
you would be joining our family, and although I was embarrassed to tell them
about losing you, I was so grateful that they knew. They mourned with me, cried
with me, listened to me. They taught me how important it is to feel when other people feel. They were
angels to me and answers to prayers. Your dad and my mom were there throughout the whole experience, holding my hand and making me strong. Our families mourned together, but comforted us and lifted us up.
You made me an empathizer. Before I lost you, I didn’t know
how painful miscarriages and infertility were. I think I am still just at the
tip of the iceberg of understanding that, but so many people experience it or
worse in their lives with incredible grace and hope. Our loss has made me feel
other people’s pains in a way I could not comprehend before, and empathize. I
have learned so much from people who still have faith, hope, and joy even
amidst excruciating trials. They are my heroes.
You made me a believer. Losing you made me feel so empty and
hopeless. But I never felt alone. Through the extreme pain and then the
sadness, I always felt Christ’s arms around me. I believe in His atonement now,
more than ever. Believing in His atonement is what has healed my heart and
given me hope. Believing in a God that loves me, knows me, and knows you, is
what has made me accept this trial and trust Him. Believing in God’s plan for
us is what has given me hope that we still get to be your parents and will get
to raise you as our kids.
You made me a seeker of truth. I had so many questions when we lost you, I could not understand losing something so good. I have felt joy as I have
come closer to Christ and studied our purpose on this earth. I have felt joy as
people have shared eternal truths with me that speak to my heart. This is just the beginning of a journey of
learning, and you started it.
But mostly, you made us parents. You made me a mother and
your dad a father. That is something that we will treasure forever. Let me tell you, you really lucked out in the
dad department.
As much as I have learned and grown since losing you, I
still wish we were meeting you both today. I ache for you. I think I always
will.
As a child, I started signing off letters to my family with
“I will never forget you”. Even though I never met you, held you, or saw you, I
will never forget you. I love you both, to eternity and beyond.
Love,
Your Mom
This summer Grandma Carol taught all of your cousins about
our family tree. She told them about you and how you are waiting for us in
heaven. Your little lives will be in our hearts forever. We all can’t wait to
meet you.
I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you. John 14:18
or read it here: Grateful in Any Circumstance- Dieter F. Uchtdorf
There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.
Good things to come- Jeffrey R. Holland
Rob Gardner's Lamb of God detailing the last days of the Savior's life through words and music.
Learn more about the sacred work here
None Were With Him-- Jeffrey R. Holland
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
